


blaze

by cherrypiecas



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Angst, Dogs, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, I Don't Even Know, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, M/M, No Smut, No Spoilers, Sad, Sorry Not Sorry, Tearjerker
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-30
Updated: 2016-07-30
Packaged: 2018-07-27 17:18:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,696
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7627147
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cherrypiecas/pseuds/cherrypiecas
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When a dog and a man change Spencer's whole life.</p><p>(Okay so basically I wrote this instead of sleeping so there may be a lot of weird sentences and mistakes, I'll update as i find them)</p>
            </blockquote>





	blaze

**Author's Note:**

  * For [severaance](https://archiveofourown.org/users/severaance/gifts).



Spencer Reid liked dogs well enough, but they didn’t seem to appreciate him. “The Reid Effect”, Hotch had called it as he soothed his own barking dog he’d gotten for his son Jack, “Works on pets and children”. He held his book in one hand and his very hot, sugary coffee in the other, strolling down the busy street of Washington D.C., satchel on his hip. Trying to read and walk wasn’t exactly the best plan, as people walked about with no caution, but Spencer didn’t care. A paperback copy of Pride and Prejudice with the front cover and a few pages folded back rested into his small hand. He scanned the pages, savoring every word as he-

“Oh shi-,” he felt himself hurtling towards the ground, spilling the coffee all over himself in the process.

“Clooney! Aw, Jesus Christ.” He heard a deep voice speak.

A wet tongue took a few strokes like a paintbrush on the back of his neck.

“I am so sorry, he never does this,” Spencer opened his eyes to see a tall man with dark, chocolate colored skin and a pair of dark sunglasses, an alpha male in the purest sense, “Here, let me help you get untied here.”

“No it’s fine, I swear. It’s actually kind of strange that your dog decided to attack me with love. Generally dogs don’t like me.” Spencer felt the leash unravel from his feet.

The hot coffee still burned on his skin and his clothes were soaked in the liquid. His book had the coffee spilled on it as well but his satchel remained untouched by the substance. The dog- Clooney- came around the front, sniffing his face. He chuckled as he reached out to pet the black and brown dog, who wriggled excitedly with every embrace.

“Well Clooney here certainly does,” The man shrugged, “He likes everyone. Name’s Derek, by the way. Derek Morgan.”  He held his hand out for a handshake.

Spencer felt the anxiety build up in his throat as he reached for the man’s hand.

“I’m Spencer Reid. Dr. Spencer Reid. But please, don’t call me doctor. Just Spencer. Or Reid.” He stuttered as the man pulled him off the ground. He brushed the dirt off of himself, grabbing his empty coffee cup and his book (that was now soaked in coffee).

“Let me buy you another coffee,” Derek took the coffee cup from Spencer’s hand, “Garcia’s coffee? Alright. I love that girl.”

Spencer opened his mouth to argue, but instead just followed Derek as they began to walk back down the street to the coffeehouse.

-

Spencer held the leash in his hand. A tear slid down his cheek as he bit his lip.

-

“So what kind of doctor are you? Let me guess. Pediatrician? Or maybe with those little fingers…” He pointed to Spencer’s small hands, “A surgeon?”

“Actually, I have three PhD’s in Mathematics, Chemistry, and Engineering.” Spencer shifted uncomfortably as he saw the shocked expression flash across Derek’s face.

“Holy shit, kid! You some kind of genius or something?” Derek exclaimed.

“Well I’ve got an I.Q. of 187, an eidetic memory, and I can read 20,000 words per minute.” He paused as Derek still seemed confused. “Yes. I’m a genius.”

He was too used to these kinds of reactions to even be surprised anymore. He grabbed 5 sugar packets from the middle of the table and began to pour them into his coffee, stirring vigorously.

“Got enough sugar there?” Derek smirked as Spencer gave a weak smile.

“Heh, my mom always says that’s why I’m so skinny.” He gave a weak smile as he finished stirring and took a sip.

The warm liquid coated his tongue in sugary, delicious goodness. He took another sip, letting it coat his throat with a comfortable feeling of pure warmth.

“Do you wanna come over later and come play with Clooney? He seems to really like you.” Derek pointed at the dog straining on the leash to get to Spencer.

“Sure,” he felt the word fall out of his mouth before he could even process what was even said.

“I’ll give my address.” Derek pulled out a notepad and scribbled the words onto the paper.

Spencer blinked a few times as Derek pushed in his chair and smiled, walking Clooney out to the entrance.

“Holy shit,” he said to himself as he gulped the rest of his coffee.

-

“Name?” the man with the blue scrubs asked.

“Spencer Reid.” He bit his lip again.

“Pet name?” he pointed to the dog.

“Clooney.”

-

“Um, I may or may not be going on a date.” Spencer coughed.

“Aw, really! Oh my gosh!” he heard JJ’s excited voice from the other side of the phone, “Where are you going?”

“Well, it’s not exactly a date; I’m kind of just going over to his house to play with his dog.” He felt his cheeks heat up as he dug through his closet. “Okay, what should I wear?”

“I don’t know,” she trailed off, “actually, wait.”

“What?” he asked.

“Okay, you remember that blue flannel with the black jeans that I got you for going out so you don’t always look like Super Nerd?” she questioned.

“Of course I remember. I haven’t gone out since then-,” he was cut off as JJ began to speak again.

“Alright, put that on with those converse shoes you have and you’ll be ready to go.” She clapped into the phone.

“Okay,” he grinned as he hung up.

-

“Are you ready?” he asked as gently as a feather.

“Never.” Spencer shook his head as he tried not to cry.

-

“Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit,” Spencer bit his lip as he tried to calm himself. He immediately spotted the house with the navy blue shutters and grey paint that reminded him of the clouds during a storm. He dug through the glove drawer, grabbing the pill bottle that rattled as his hands shook and the breath was sucked out of his lungs. He shook a small Valium pill into his hand, swallowing it and attempting to count to take a deep breath.

He continued to drive forward, the panic sitting in his throat as he parked in front of the little house. He pulled a hand through his short messy curls and unwrapped a small piece of gum, chewing it promptly. His eyes watered slightly, partially at the strength of the gum and partially with his anxiety and lack of oxygen. He opened the car door slowly, his skinny legs shaking freely. He slammed the door shut, just trying to relieve himself of the anxious energy, but he couldn’t seem to shake it. It generally took only 15 minutes, but every minute felt like twenty as he took the steps towards the door. He stood for about what seemed like 20 years before he rang the doorbell, instantly regretting it as he heard the loud ding sound.

“Hey, didn’t expect you’d actually come,” Derek chuckled as he held the door open, “I’ve got some drinks inside. Come on in.”

Spencer managed a weak smile as he felt his hands tremble. He felt his whole body tense as he walked inside, feeling Derek’s eyes burning into him. He looked so much more attractive then he’d remembered, most likely due to the lack of coffee and contact lenses. He walked into the kitchen, shoving his hands into his pockets.

“Where’s Clooney?” he asked as he bit his lip again.

“He’s in the back yard. Sometimes he gets so excited when he sees strangers that he pees. Figured that I would keep the dog from spilling more liquids on you.” Derek snickered as he poured himself a glass of beer, “You want a drink?”

“No actually I’m on a benzodiazepine called Valium so I can’t.” he winced at the words that fell out of his mouth recklessly.

 _Shit._ He thought to himself as he felt the medicine begin to kick in.

“Um, okay,” Derek took a sip as he went to the back door. “I think Clooney’s calmed down enough, so let’s go see him.”

Spencer nodded as he followed the stunningly kind Derek outside the door. He felt a large mass fall on to his toes and a smile poked its way to the edges of his mouth.

“Hey there,” he spoke gently as he rubbed the dog’s head. Clooney’s tongue lolled out of his mouth, bright and pink.

“He really likes you.” He heard Derek’s rough, deep voice behind him and he shivered as Derek kneeled down beside him to pet Clooney. Derek climbed on top of the dog, wrestling him gently as he laughed wholeheartedly. Spencer even felt a laugh escape his crushed-feeling lungs.

“Oh you keep laughing, pretty boy, cause you’re next!” Derek declared.

Spencer jumped up to his feet, starting to sprint to the other side of the yard. Clooney jumped up, sprinting alongside Derek, and then passing him to nip Spencer on the thigh. Spencer fell to the ground, Derek jumping on top of him in a heap of limbs and bodies together. A blush heated his face as Derek rolled him on to his back.

He could now see Derek’s eyes fully, the sincere toffee colored orbs. He had just shaved, smelling of aftershave slightly, but also of caramel, cinnamon, and apples. His mind was racing, jumbled and he felt sick as he bit his lip. The anxiety was still sitting in his throat and he cursed himself as he shook his head. He felt his heart swell in his chest and he realized the worst thing had just happened to him. He had fallen in love with Derek Morgan.

-

“Would you like a moment with him first?” the doctor asked.

Spencer felt his lip quiver as he nodded his throat feeling like it was swelling shut.

-

“Do you come over for some drinks?” Derek’s voice was slurred as he spoke into the phone that night.

“Derek?” Spencer asked. “Are you…drunk?”

“No!” Derek declared, pausing. “Yes.”

“Christ, Derek.” He bit his lip, “I’m coming over.”

He shivered as he grabbed his sweatshirt, pulling it over his head and grabbed the grey beanie from beside the door that JJ had bought for him. He held the car keys firmly in his hand, rubbing his eyes. He pulled the door shut to his apartment and went down the stairs to his car. Turning the keys in the ignition, the car fired up and he drove down the road, his headlights on full blast. He pulled up to the house within minutes, getting out and walking up to the door. He knocked on the door, his adrenaline still rushing.

“Hey, _Doctor_.” Derek winked as he opened the door.

“Where’s the alcohol?” Spencer asked promptly.

“In here,” Derek opened the door wider, allowing Spencer to pass through.

The house was its inviting, usual self, except for the fact that it smelled like bad booze and the kitchen counter had a bottle of whiskey, vodka, and a crushed beer can on it. Derek stumbled as he tried to lean against the counter. Spencer pressed his lips, trying not laugh as he picked up the bottles from the counter, putting them back into the open cabinet.

“Don’t- Don’t put them away,” Derek slurred as he walked towards the closed cabinet.

“You’ve definitely had enough,” Spencer assured him.

“Fine,” he crossed his arms as he walked away, “Let’s go watch a movie or something.”

“Where’s Clooney?” he felt himself stiffen.

Derek paused for a minute, “Outside.”

Spencer opened the door, the estranged dog running in and jumping up on him. He felt the corner of his mouth curl upwards again. He sat down on the couch as Derek pushed a movie into the player. The movie, _2001: A Space Odyssey_ began to play as he folded up his legs into a pretzel.

“This movie is trippy as fuck,” Derek said quietly and Spencer couldn’t help but stifle a laugh.

He couldn’t have imagined Derek drunk the few days ago that they’d met and here he was, sitting on the other end of the couch, slurring his words and tripping all over himself. Derek began to scoot over, sitting right next to him. He felt himself bite his lip as he heard Derek’s breathing and his stomach was in knots. Derek leaned in close to his ear and his whole face felt like it was on fire, a scorching burn of a blush across his cheeks.

“I think you’re very cute,” He whispered.

 _Oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck oh fUCK,_ Spencer felt his heart race and his mind go to static as the anxiety choked him.

Derek’s fingers were on his jawline and he was reeling with emotion as Derek turned his face to see his. _He’s drunk_ , his mind hissed as his body tensed. Suddenly he was staring directly into Derek’s eyes and he found himself liquefying in his toffee-colored gaze. Derek leaned forward, brushing his lips against Spencer’s. Spencer felt himself kiss back, his hands in Derek’s hair. He felt himself lean back, hungry for more. Derek tasted like whiskey and caramel apples, a perfect concoction. He lay back on the arm of the couch, Derek leaning in and kissing him harder, applying the perfect amount of pressure. Spencer had kissed only a few girls before, and they were soft and sweet, but not rugged and raw and beautifully sober as Derek tasted. He pulled away for a breath, the anxiety melting away from his stomach and throat, leaving him only with the warm feeling all over his body, his skin itching as he smiled. The dopamine was definitely flowing through his body, leaving him with an unbreakable feeling of warmth and predictability.

“I would love to keep making out, but I’m so sleepy,” Derek smirked, “To be continued?”

Spencer nodded, his mind still spinning out of control as he laid back, Derek wrapping his arms around him. Spencer felt a happy tear slide down his cheek as he heard the steady breaths and steady heartbeat of Derek Morgan, asleep.

_I will never love him more than in this moment._

-

He petted Clooney’s head, pressing a kiss to the top of his head. He tried to hold all of the emotions inside of him, the pain so excruciating that he was sure his heart would burst at the strings.

“Okay,” He said softly to the doctor as he held Clooney in his lap.

-

“What the fuck?” the first words out of Derek Morgan’s mouth that morning snapped Spencer out of his dark, dreamless sleep.

“What?” he felt himself ask as he yawned and stretched.

“What are you- I’m not- did we?” Derek blinked about forty times before jumping up and running to the bathroom.

Spencer lay back down on the couch, sighing as the memory of the night before played over and over in his head like a broken record. He felt himself stretch as he got up and went to the bathroom door.

“We didn’t have sex, just for the record.” Spencer said as he knocked on the bathroom door.

“I didn’t want it to go like this, I swear,” Derek sounded disappointed from inside the bathroom as the sink began to run.

“Well it did,” Spencer replied.

“But,” Derek opened the door, shuffling out, “I’m not gay.”

“Yeah, and I’m not a genius,” Spencer rolled his eyes, his newfound confidence still making his head spin.

“Fine,” Derek turned around, “I really like you, okay? I’ve never felt this way about someone before and none of it makes any sense.”

Spencer felt all of his confidence shrink again and his throat go tighter.

“That’s kind of a bomb to drop on someone,” He squeaked as he started to run for the door.

“Wait,” Derek sounded like he was on the verge of being emotional as Spencer stopped, “Please don’t go.”

“I fear I might be in love with you,” Spencer felt the words spat out of his mouth and he covered it before he could say anything else he regretted.

Derek moved closer, holding Spencer’s hands in his own.

“I beg you; will you be my boyfriend, Doctor Spencer Reid?”

“Indefinitely.”

-

The doctor held the needle, drawing the fluid from the small glass bottle he held in his hand.

-

Spencer hummed a song he’d heard on the radio in Derek’s car as he smiled at himself in the mirror. He swallowed his anti-depressant and paused as his finger brushed over his safety medication, his Valium. He placed it back into the cabinet as he heard the phone ring. He smiled again as he noticed the name across the front.

“Hello? Is this the fiancé of Derek Morgan?” he heard a panicked voice and immediately felt the panic hit him in the chest.

“Yes?” Spencer could hardly spit out the word.

“Your fiancé was hit by a car this morning while on the job. He’s in critical condition. He’s at the hospital right now. I’m so sorry.” The voice hit Spencer right in the throat, and he was winded. He dropped his phone and was sprinting towards the door, the car keys in his hands. He shoved them into ignition, slamming his foot on the gas as the nervous tears trickled down his face. He pulled up to the hospital, parked the car and sprinted inside.

“See-here-Derek Morgan,” he spluttered as he twitched uncontrollably.

“Derek Morgan is currently with the trauma surgeon. Are you his fiancé?” the nurse asked.

“Y-yes,” he choked out as he felt his whole body quivering like a leaf.

“Can you please fill these out?” she asked, calmly.

-

The doctor calmly drew the needle into Clooney’s side.

-

“He’s in really bad shape,” the nurse said quietly as Spencer felt himself crumbling. He dammed all of his feelings up, trying not to let it show that he was panicking. He saw the crumbled figure lying on the hospital bed, his meters going out of control. His eyes were closed and he almost seemed peaceful but he kept making this awful scratching sound with every breath. They were so labored, so forced.

-

He petted Clooney as he licked his hand weakly and laid his head down on his leg.

-

“He’s dropping,” the nurse alerted the doctor as the heart monitor became arrhythmic. Spencer laid next to him, holding him as tight as possible. The scratching noise was so wretched and he just didn’t even care anymore. He prayed for it to stop, for Derek to let go. He felt like he was disassociating from the world, like it wasn’t even a real thing.

“You can let go,” he croaked to Derek as he felt the nervous tears shaking down his cheeks. The heartbeats became faster for a minute before beeping out of control.

“He’s dropping rapidly,” the nurse said, “we need to do it now.”

A warm hand grabbed his arm, “You need to go now.”

Derek’s lungs were making the horrible crackling sound so loud it was deafening.

“No!” he felt himself scream as the nurse began to pull him back. He heard the heart monitor flat line and the charging as he was dragged away.

“No! I love him! Please! I love him! I love him!” he screamed with the only air he could get into his lungs. He was sure his heart strings were breaking as the dam he’d set became undone. The tears came pouring out of his eyes, and he crumbled on to the floor he heard the flat line continue.

-

He felt Clooney’s heartbeat slow to a stop. He laid his head on top of him and tried to take a breath that came out as a sob. The last piece that he had of Derek Morgan was gone.

-

“Time of death is 3:12 pm,” he heard before everything went black.

-

The vet left quietly, picking up the money that was left for him on the table.

-

Spencer Reid did not attend the funeral.

-

He buried his face into Clooney’s fur, feeling him going cold.

-

Spencer Reid did not attend the memorial.

-

He grabbed the matches.

-

_Dear Spencer (Aka Doctor Pretty Boy),_

_I am writing this because I am supposed to in case something happens to me on the job. Usually it’s just to family, but you are now my family. So if you’re reading this, this means I am not longer in existence. Please don’t blame yourself. You so often do and there’s nothing you could’ve done. I guess that I just wasn’t equipped to deal with the hand I received. I could go into a “life is a game of cards” metaphor but it’s hardly appropriate. I want you to know that I am so in love with you that I could burst if I tried to explain. You smell of books and sage and peppermint and the only thing that I regret is not being able to smell that more before I met my end. Please take care of Clooney, he is nothing without you and me. Please stay safe and live on without me. You are one of the most beautiful creatures I’ve ever met, you deserve the life and the love._

_Yours and nobody else’s,_

_Derek Morgan_

_Ps. My love for you is like a fire, except the blaze will never end._

-

The gasoline spilled out over the carpet. He bit his lip over and over again, tasting the metallic blood in his mouth.

-

_I feel nothing._

-

He took a deep breath as he stood in the doorway.

-

_Please god just let me feel._

-

He took a step forward as he prepared a match.

-

_One._

-

He took another step.

-

_Two._

-

He took the last step outside.

-

_Three._

-

He lit the match. It flickered in his hand for a moment before he felt his legs moving forward back into the house. He closed the door, his hand turning the lock. He felt as raw and sober as Derek’s kiss as he leaned his head back against the door and closed his eyes.

He dropped the match.

-

_Ps. The blaze will never end._


End file.
